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shaohua25
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| The first bit is a jounral entry i posted on FetLife a few nights ago..but i didn't get many comments there and i honestly want my thoughts commented upon and answered.
( Attachment Stupidity )
Now other than that here are some things that have been floating about in my head lately in no particular order...
Being fair and being just are not the same thing. And sometimes they are. Being fair: Ruler goes to war with neighboring country. Ruler sets down the law: "Do NOT ride over the peasant's crops of our country or the opposing side's crops". Ruler's son disregards the order and rides over peasant's crops either by accident or on purpose. Ruler pardons his son because the son is sorry.
Being Just: See same criteria as above. Ruler beheads son for riding over crops.
No one tells the truth all the time. Everyone tells while lies to someone at some time.
A long time ago there was a very religious woman. One day the time for prayer comes along, everyone is getting ready to pray. The woman walks down the street of the town with a torch and a bucket of water. One of the holy men stops her and asks "Where are you going? Why aren't you getting ready to pray?"
"I am going to burn down Heaven and put out Hell." The woman responds. "You shouldn't love or obey God because you desire the reward or fear the punishment. You should love God because that is what you truly desire to do."
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| | Current Music: | "Consuming Fire" Third Day | | Subject: | What is "ordinary"? | | Time: | 06:14 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankthinkp.gif) thoughtful |
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| Master and i were talking the other day and he mentioned in passing that he didn't want us to have an ordinary life. and i looked at him a little confused and said that to me this, our M/s relationship, the poly relationship between all of us, is ordinary to me. This is what normal for me.
For me to have something that wasn't ordinary i'd have to have a completely vanilla girlfriend or something akin to it. To me THAT would be not ordinary because it seems so strange and alien a concept to me now.
i wonder how many people view their M/s, D/s as "ordinary" and vanilla situations to be abnormal because they're just not used to it anymore. Thoughts? Comments?
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| | Current Music: | "Death Before Dishonor" Five Finger Death Punch | | Subject: | More meditation thoughts | | Time: | 05:46 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankittenp.gif) indescribable |
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| - Physical is only a projection of Light.
- The physical body isn't real. we are all really just Light.
- Everything is Light.
- The Universe isn't The All, but The All is in the universe.
- Everything is connected. Nothing and no one are separate
- All time is now.
- Life (like meditation) isn't meant to be rushed
- Meditation helps us to slow down
- Pain is only physical sensation heightened
- The body is only a shell for the Light
- Death is only the Self leaving the shell.
- i saw the Vitarka Mudra
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| | Onei-san's father passed away. He will be missed. May he rest in peace. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Onei-san's father went to the hospital today because he was having trouble breathing. He's now in the ICU area. If you all could, please send good thoughts/energy and/or (preferable and) pray for his health and recovery. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday i started to seriously do meditation. it consists of sitting in seiza (since i can't sit cross-legged so no lotus or half-lotus positions for me) and sitting and breathing deeply, and counting to ten breaths ten times. The count starts on the out breath (breathe in, breathe out "one". breathe in, breathe out "two", etc.) In my time of letting thoughts pass through my mind and never really stopping to concentrate on any of them (although i might at a later date) these are some of the things that pinged in my head as important to remember:
- Physical doesn't matter. it's always temporary.
- Pain doesn't matter, it is a symptom of physicality.
- Fear is the ultimate killer.
- The earth, the tree, the cobra and the Buddha were all one.
- God is everywhere. Everything is God.
- There are no endings, because nothing begins.
i have been also studying Buddhism as a possible spiritual practice for me. i say spiritual because technically it's not a religion per se, more than it is a philosophy.
( 4 Noble Truths & The Eight-fold Path )
i have also found this website to be helpful www.thebigview.com/buddhism/precepts.html and also the last two chapters of Wong Kiew Kit's The Art of Shaolin Kung Fu to be helpful as well in both explaining the main points of Buddhism and in giving helpful meditation techniques.
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| we will not be moving. once again due to forces outside of current control, the move has been canceled.
i am too emotionally twirling right now to even try to put it into words. anger, sadness, confusion, sick-to-my-stomach, trust, loyalty, devotion..all of these things are raging inside of me and fuck all to anyone who says adults don't cry when they don't get what they want.
i cried plenty good and yes i am royally pissed off.
i was really looking forward to getting out of this little hole of hell called an apartment.
Yes, it might get better once the boy cats are fixed (no more piss wars)..but i'm sick and tired of seeing a fucking roach every time i need something from any room in the house. i'm tired of everything faintly smelling of cat pee because we have to keep the boy and girl cats separated, so they don't mate, which means doors are closed and there's no real air flow.
i'm tired of not being able to see when i drive up because the apartment managers don't ever fix the lights. i'm tired of having to do dishes by hand because the dishwasher has been broken for 2 years, and they won't/can't install a new one. i'm tired of spending stupid amounts of money on eating out because we can't cook anything because a) the boy cats have peed on the stove burners so many times that there's no just burning it off b) the oven heating element is broken because originally when the apt. people fixed it they brought the wrong one and never brought the correct one (despite numerous calls) and c) there are roaches everywhere (thank you ex-upstairs-neighbor morons who flooded out kitchen AND bathroom by jerry-rigging a washer/dryer into your apartment) despite the fact our friend who is the #1 exterminator used the most powerful stuff he had and that didn't kill them.
Also i'm tired of having to go to the laundromat and spend money on laundry. i HATE having to do this. HATE IT.
Master did say that ion a few months we'll move into a much nicer place when we have more concrete proof of income. . .but i just feel like everything just got yanked out from under me.
i trust Master, i trust his judgment and his feelings, and if he says something just doesn't feel right about that other place, then it just doesn't feel right. But goddamn. i am torn between my anger and utter disappointment and my loyalty and trust.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| Alright! We did it! we got accepted to the apartments literally next door which have re-furbished EVERYTHING. New paint, new carpet, new appliances...everything! No more crappy carpet. No more doing dishes by hand! Now we can cook at home with working stove and oven that actually WORKS!
On Feb 1st we'll be in our new place and no more god forsaken craptacular apartment for us! WEEEeeee!
Now in the in-between time is time to throw away things, pack things, get the electricity moved over (it's in Master's name) and get some new furniture..also get at least one of the boy cats fixed so they spraying is down to a minimum.
i'm so happy!!!!!!! | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Well good news all around! Onei-san says she can see about 80% out of her eye now. Yay! And it's slowly getting better everyday. she has been doing her meditation, her breathing and QiGong. The doctors are baffled at how quickly shes recovering.
She hasn't been on steroids for almost a month now, and no more insulin.
We all had a wonderful Winter Solstice, with some gift giving and we went out to eat at a local Chinese restaurant for New Year's.
i think 2009 is going to be a much better year than last year. New president, new year, new everything!
And speaking of New Year's. . .
( New Year's Resolutions )
Also on the good news front my "little brother" just got accepted to University of North Texas! He'll be starting there in the Fall semester i believe. Congratulations Evan! Wooooo!
And on a cute note, i found the most adorable online game called Bunny Bounce game07.zylom.com/servlet/FrameSet
i hope everyone's new year was awesome, and i wish all my friends the best new year ever in 2009.
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| Merry Christmas everyone! i hope it is a joyous and happy time for all of my friends. Eat well, give (and receive) lots of gifts, and enjoy the time off!
Yesterday Master, Onei-san and i all opened our presents to one another. i got Master a Serentity role playing compainion book (no, not THAT kind), i got Onei-san a Hammer horror DVD.
i got (from Master and Onei-san) i got all 3 seasons of Pinky and the Brain on DVD, two kinds of pink nail polish, some lip plumper and lip gloss (pink), a 100 piece set of coloring pencils (the good kind), the 2nd book in the Wheel of Time series, and a 288 page Hello Kitty coloring book.
i've been watching Pinky and the Brain almost non-stop. Ahh, nostalga.
Also,anyone remember this? www.youtube.com/watch
Meerry Christmas everyone!
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Onei-san is doing better. She can see a little more, but it will of course take time. She went to her dr. today, and i honestly don't understand Western medicine. Because she's on super high doses of steroids, her blood pressure is a little higher than it was...Because of the steroids she has to take insulin because it boosts her blood sugar.....her dr. gives her blood pressure med that WILL MAKE HER BLOOD GLUCOSE LEVELS HIGHER. Um....HELLO!?!? i thought drs were supposed to make you BETTER, not make other side effects WORSE. Oy.
But on a hppy note..here's some Metal Christmas Tunes...badgods.com/nineinchnoels.html Yes, it's work friendly.
And for my friends who like probably not work friendly stuff..here's Ameture Surgon, courtesy of Adult Swim www.adultswim.com/games/game/index.html | | comments: Leave a comment |
| today i picked up Master and Onei-san from the hospital. i had trouble sleeping last night, so i only got about 4 hours sleep when it was time to pick them up. Onei-san was, needless to say...VERY glad to be out of the hospital. When we got home she cried, because she was so happy to be home.
i helped Onei-san do some superficial cleaning around the apartment, she was flitting away all over the place, and Master gave me the night off to help out. although i did end up taking a brief nap around 3, and woke up at 5 and started to do laundry while Master went to teach class. They are also stopping by her parents house, and then eating dinner. Master says we'll to the together eating out tomorrow.
BEcause of the powerful meds they have Onei-san on, she has to check her blood sugar and give herself insulin shots. i was alseep the first time she did these things, but i do know Master helped her out.
It is good to have them back home. this place was getting far too quiet. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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The pleasant feeling of squeezing a flower petal
The endless clouds, I feel like I can see a rift between them,
two fingers pointing to a tear-scattered sky.
for some reason I can't find it
Will I ever get stronger if I keep quiting?
Always searching for a white angel.
I'm sure it'll rain from heaven, my new wings.
The flowers in the wind take me to an Eden of dreams.
Here I might be able to become more docile.
God doesn't exist ,
but I want to believe in something.
I think about this on a hazy, moonlit night
as a snowsotrm of cheery blossoms disolves.
Back when I smelled purple lilacs
Memories of distant snow
Smoothly covering the ground
I'll chase forever
Beyond this deep forest
I know he's waiting
The man who will walk along with me
Stop, distant rain
I want to see the night sky
If I'm here, time will stop
I want to stay a young girl
There's no such thing as God
But I want to believe in something
That is what I think
On this cloudy moonlit night
as a snowsotrm of cheery blossoms disolves.
| | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| LAst night after i got home from work, i called MAster and spoke to him and Onei-san. They both sounded good, but a little tired. This afternoon Master called me to let me know that Onei-san will be coming home tomorrow She will have to check her blood sugar and take insulin because the steroids spike her blood sugar. but she sounds well. no news on test results. But then again Master might have forgotten to mention them i suppose if it was bad though, she'd be staying in the hospital.
Onei-san says she seems to be able to see a little better from her eye, although it's very fuzzy and bright.
i look forward to having Master and Onei-san home tomorrow. It has been lonley without them.
Later i will post my thoughts on having to stay home alone and being self-sufficiant. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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My Onei-san is in the hospital. She suddenly lost vision in her left eye. so Master and i brought her to the ER Sunday evening around 6:30pm.They ran every test known to man...originally they thought it was a torn retina, but it wasn't (thankfully). They used alot of big words but the upshot is that after doing an MRI scan they said her optic nerve is swollen. this may or may not be a first sign of MS.
We also did a ton of waiting..and waiting..and waiting. We didn't really get any sleep. They had a total of 6 different doctors look at her. they have Eye doctors, Nerve doctors and the Medicine team all working on her to find out WTF is wrong with her eye. The MRI scan showed her optic nerve is swollen, which is why she can't see, and also possible tiny spots on her brain. i don't even know what half of this means, but i know it's not good. But nothing is official yet, and she feels perfectly fine otherwise.
what has them so stumped is that they were no other symptoms, she's not diabetic or anything.
They'll be doing a spinal tap tomorrow for more testing. they've got her on a regimine of steroroids for now. Master and i stayed with her..we were all up for over 24 hours. i took Master home around 6pm this evening..we both ate, and then slept..i packed him and her some over-night bags and picked up some around the house before sleeping a bit. Master wanted me to stay home for now, as i will need to go into work tomorrow, so i will need my rest.
Master also has plans to let his QiGong friend look at and work with her, as this may be a blockage that is having trouble moving.
So everyone, i don't care what you do..send good thoughts, pray, light a candle, please send lots of good things to her.
i am dealing fairly well. i'm a little anxious, but i know everything will be alright. Onei-san is a tough cookie and she'll pull out alright. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Well tomorrow is Thanksgiving and i get my annual two days off. i'll be spending it with my aunt Sharon and all of Dad's side of the family (which is HUGE) and of course Mom and Dad. i'll be bringing along their x-mas presents since it's more practical to give them to them now than try and ship it and risk it being damaged on the way over.
i also got a leather jacket last night for $30. it's a good quality, heavy leather jacket that belonged to a friend of mine, but it was too small for her, so she sold it to me for $30...this jacket originally went for a couple hundred.
Tomorrow should be quite interesting, and Mom and Dad are going to learn QiGong from Master on Saturday. i hope they practice like they're supposed to so they can be healthier. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Yay! Master said i could get BOTH pairs of pretty pink stripper shoes! When i was surprised we could get both, he chuckled, patted my head and told me not to worry my empty head about it, and be happy for shopping. It's so wonderful to be a bimbo and not have to worry about finances, and trust Master.
Oooh! i LOVE shopping. We'll be on our shoe shopping way tomorrow. YAY!!! -happy dance-
i also learned how to curl my hair yesterday and it gives my hair some lift and body. it looks so pretty!
Hopefully tonight at work will be wonderful with lots of money. Wish me luck, although i won't be going in for another 3.5 hours. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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